The first thing I did this morning when I left the house was finally get my engagement ring resized. Actually, the first thing I did was stop for an iced soy latte but the first thing I did upon being actually awake was get my engagement ring resized so it wouldn’t dance around my ring finger anymore or have to be worn on my middle finger anymore. Not five minutes later, Ian texted me to tell me he’d been laid off from work.
I’m not going to lie to you, I freaked out a little. I emailed my boss and took a sick day, mindlessly driving past my office. I thought this was the kind of thing people might go pray about and so I tried to find a church but I remembered that I don’t really know if I believe in a higher power. I drove to my therapist’s office, my therapist who is out of the country for a month, and sat in the parking lot unsure of what to do. I needed answers because my mind races when things are up in the air. I’m a planner and a bit of a rapid thinker when I’m not sure what’s going on and I was in fullblown worst case scenario mode about the future. I peeled out of the parking lot and drove over the bridge to the beach.
I paid a ridiculous amount of money to park and sat Indian style on a bench on the edge of the sand. I was the only remotely clothed person on or near the beach. I peoplewatched and thought about things. The thing is, in all the time I spent this morning worrying about what was going to happen, I didn’t doubt Ian once. I had and have no doubt that he will not only get a job but a job, perhaps an entirely new career path, that makes him much happier than this one did. I have never had more faith or trusted anyone the way I trust Ian and I know everything will be more than ok, it’ll be great. It’s me I was worried about.
I worried that I wouldn’t be a good partner, that I’d be all the wrong kinds of supportive, that I’d mess things up somehow during this time. The prospect made me really scared, still makes me a bit scared, when I consider the kind of woman, wife I want to be for Ian, the kind he really deserves. I looked down at my hands resting on my legs and saw my newly sized, tighter than ever engagement ring and felt relieved.
You’ve got this, it seemed to be saying.
Or more than that, it seemed to remind me that not only have I got this but we’ve got this because that’s what it meant when Ian proposed, that he trusted me to be the one who will be there and who he wants there through thick and thin, richer, poorer, better, worse. Everyone including me has been thinking of dresses and flowers and garlands since I got engaged but this brought me back to the fact that Ian is my person and that as much as I believe in him, he believes in me. That’s what love is, what marriage is, wanting to face anything that life might throw at you with someone.
We’re lucky, really. Ian got a generous severance package and is very relieved about this development, we have time for lots of our plans this fall, and there are so many possibilities available for him now. Most of all, we are happy and healthy and so loved, not just by each other but by family, friends, really, everyone we know. I’m excited for what’s to come; the future’s open wide.